Therapy pt. 2
Feb. 8th, 2018 02:49 pmSecond session mostly turned into me ranting about how my body is a confusing mess of various organ fuck-ups and depression. It featured the phrase, WHAT THE FUCK quite a lot, though not directed at the therapist.
I should probably think a bit more about if anger is more worth focusing on than my history of medical issues...
I should probably think a bit more about if anger is more worth focusing on than my history of medical issues...
LISTEN. Life is meaningless. Life is full of spiders and snakes and sometimes they bite you. Wasps are a thing. Sometimes you come down with crippling heart problems while mister 'no i dont actually think i need taipan antivenom thanks' walks away a-okay. life is horrible and hard sometimes.
and sometimes, just sometimes, your crippling heart problems vanish with apparently no reasoning or anything because life wants to skullfuck you
anyway this doesn't really mean much im just kinda hysterical because my body is, as we in the business say, WEIRD.
and sometimes, just sometimes, your crippling heart problems vanish with apparently no reasoning or anything because life wants to skullfuck you
anyway this doesn't really mean much im just kinda hysterical because my body is, as we in the business say, WEIRD.
Therapy pt.1
Feb. 1st, 2018 08:46 pmSo I had my first counselling appointment today. The therapist is soft-spoken and accommodating, though it might be difficult to ask for things regardless. I went to the gym after counselling, and I think that kept me on a high for a while, because I've only crashed now that it's much later. Of course, that could also be because I was alone for most of today.
My counselling is primarily to do with anger, so I'm hoping to at least get a bit more comfortable expressing anger without going headlong into a depressive slump or balls to the wall tits out and ready for murder.
My counselling is primarily to do with anger, so I'm hoping to at least get a bit more comfortable expressing anger without going headlong into a depressive slump or balls to the wall tits out and ready for murder.
I draw a lot. I mean like, a lot- every day, minimum, unless I like...have destroyed a joint or something. I tried to draw when I had a godamn burnt hand.
But it's bloody cold atm and that means I don't wanna draw, bc my hands are cold and I'm cold and I just wanna be wrapped up into a large burrito monster it's FREEZING :<
But it's bloody cold atm and that means I don't wanna draw, bc my hands are cold and I'm cold and I just wanna be wrapped up into a large burrito monster it's FREEZING :<
fics ideaas
Jan. 14th, 2018 05:21 pmI really wanna write more Ganondorf and the merry minions that...aren't connected to him at all. Like, not even necessarily as an evil vs evil or whatever- I just genuinely wanna see how he'd deal with another bad guy that has entirely separate motives from him.
(I mean sure list of bad guys that are totally unconnected to him totals like, four or five, but still.)
Just...there's some untapped comedy potential here and I've got to write it, because gdi, if the fandom at large won't indulge my headcanon that demon christmas is where they give him fundamentally useless but quite sweet gifts and a whale, I'll have to do it myself.
(It's like A Christmas Carol but instead of Ganondorf learning about charity it's about Ganondorf learning that sometimes, when ur king, you got a giant squid and his terrible daughters that bring you some delectable whale and scare all your bokoblins)
(I mean sure list of bad guys that are totally unconnected to him totals like, four or five, but still.)
Just...there's some untapped comedy potential here and I've got to write it, because gdi, if the fandom at large won't indulge my headcanon that demon christmas is where they give him fundamentally useless but quite sweet gifts and a whale, I'll have to do it myself.
(It's like A Christmas Carol but instead of Ganondorf learning about charity it's about Ganondorf learning that sometimes, when ur king, you got a giant squid and his terrible daughters that bring you some delectable whale and scare all your bokoblins)
This year, I'm trying not to dwell on things that make me angry. I'm trying to step back and examine why something makes me angry, and address the root causes of it, rather than dwelling on being irritable. But I'm having some trouble stopping dwelling on this thing, so maybe writing it out will help.
Naturally, warning for discussions of rape and misogyny under the cut.
Yesterday, I read an article in which the author suggested that people being coerced into sex, at the cost of their careers or reputations, wasn't comparable to rape. I don't think I've been that angry in a while. It was discussing Hollywood's sex scandals recently and...honestly it highlighted something for me that I feel I never really 'got' before. People do not know why rape is bad. They don't. This person didn't think that coercion equalled rape; they thought that the people involved should suck it up- no comments on the people who were doing the coercing. Not even a thought.
To me, that's kind of scary. This person portrays herself as an intersectional activist, but she'd happily engage in victim blaming if it furthered her own agenda. If she could make her point that these women were just whining. They chose to have sex. Never mind the blacklisting, the shame, the coercion. They chose to have sex, so it isn't rape.
I wish I was surprised by the attitude, but I've seen it a lot recently. There are activists who claim they're for victims, they campaign and write in favour of marginalised groups- on racial lines, gender lines, sexuality, income- but as soon as the victim isn't favourable, they're as disgusting as the people they claim to be against.
You cannot call yourself intersectional if you are only intersectional when it's convenient. It doesn't work like that. You cannot start blaming victims because they aren't the victims you want them to be. If you do that...and an alarming amount of activists do...I do not want you campaigning for me.
You're talking about people. That is the crux of the matter. You can discuss who gets the spotlight, whose struggles are glossed over, how people are portrayed- but you cannot say it didn't happen. A rape isn't less of a rape because it happened to a man. Coercion isn't less of a coercion because it happened to a rich person.
Once again- talk about the racial lines. Talk about income. Talk about gender and sexuality and disability, how the factors relate to who is believed, who gets the spotlight and sympathy.
But don't you dare say it didn't happen because they aren't the right victim.
Don't you dare.
Naturally, warning for discussions of rape and misogyny under the cut.
Yesterday, I read an article in which the author suggested that people being coerced into sex, at the cost of their careers or reputations, wasn't comparable to rape. I don't think I've been that angry in a while. It was discussing Hollywood's sex scandals recently and...honestly it highlighted something for me that I feel I never really 'got' before. People do not know why rape is bad. They don't. This person didn't think that coercion equalled rape; they thought that the people involved should suck it up- no comments on the people who were doing the coercing. Not even a thought.
To me, that's kind of scary. This person portrays herself as an intersectional activist, but she'd happily engage in victim blaming if it furthered her own agenda. If she could make her point that these women were just whining. They chose to have sex. Never mind the blacklisting, the shame, the coercion. They chose to have sex, so it isn't rape.
I wish I was surprised by the attitude, but I've seen it a lot recently. There are activists who claim they're for victims, they campaign and write in favour of marginalised groups- on racial lines, gender lines, sexuality, income- but as soon as the victim isn't favourable, they're as disgusting as the people they claim to be against.
You cannot call yourself intersectional if you are only intersectional when it's convenient. It doesn't work like that. You cannot start blaming victims because they aren't the victims you want them to be. If you do that...and an alarming amount of activists do...I do not want you campaigning for me.
You're talking about people. That is the crux of the matter. You can discuss who gets the spotlight, whose struggles are glossed over, how people are portrayed- but you cannot say it didn't happen. A rape isn't less of a rape because it happened to a man. Coercion isn't less of a coercion because it happened to a rich person.
Once again- talk about the racial lines. Talk about income. Talk about gender and sexuality and disability, how the factors relate to who is believed, who gets the spotlight and sympathy.
But don't you dare say it didn't happen because they aren't the right victim.
Don't you dare.
(no subject)
Dec. 23rd, 2017 10:32 pm it's time for a minor rant about two things I hate about: Going Outside With My Brother
Okay so, context: my brother and I go out together a lot bc if we put together our heads we form one reasonably functional human being. I can make up for his hearing loss and identify triggers before they get to him, he can bring me back to earth if i start going all loopy-de-doop and help if I have a dizzy spell.
my brother and I also look reasonably alike. His beard is the same colour as my hair, plus we both wear glasses and have the same weird babyface bc chubby + eyes that have seen death.
But every time we go out...every...damn...time....someone assumes we are dating. EVERY TIME. It's really annoying because, one, no, two, please stop assuming random people together are dating? That's weird and uncomfortable if they're not. Double uncomfortable if they're related.
So yeah, annoying but not out of hte blue. What happened next, on the other hand, is something I'd like to politely ask every person not to do, ever-
If you are talking to me, the human person, and I am talking to you about your wares? DO NOT ask "the gentleman" next to me if he will pay. Do they have any idea how rude that is?! Like, okay, one- I am talking to you. Not him. Me. I am the person who is involved in this transaction, not the guy next to me that you saw me talking to. Second, "always ask the gentleman first, he'll often pay!" Yeah, after you've made it hellishly awkward for everyone involved! No do not ask the gentleman first, not unless the gentleman is talking to you about your products! Do I look like some kind of delicate flower that needs the big strong boy to pay for my things? Jesus.
So anyway I love my brother and I fucking hate that when we go out people tend to overlook me, the person interested, and start talking cash with him. I was reaching for my goddamn purse! He wasn't even looking at you!
Okay so, context: my brother and I go out together a lot bc if we put together our heads we form one reasonably functional human being. I can make up for his hearing loss and identify triggers before they get to him, he can bring me back to earth if i start going all loopy-de-doop and help if I have a dizzy spell.
my brother and I also look reasonably alike. His beard is the same colour as my hair, plus we both wear glasses and have the same weird babyface bc chubby + eyes that have seen death.
But every time we go out...every...damn...time....someone assumes we are dating. EVERY TIME. It's really annoying because, one, no, two, please stop assuming random people together are dating? That's weird and uncomfortable if they're not. Double uncomfortable if they're related.
So yeah, annoying but not out of hte blue. What happened next, on the other hand, is something I'd like to politely ask every person not to do, ever-
If you are talking to me, the human person, and I am talking to you about your wares? DO NOT ask "the gentleman" next to me if he will pay. Do they have any idea how rude that is?! Like, okay, one- I am talking to you. Not him. Me. I am the person who is involved in this transaction, not the guy next to me that you saw me talking to. Second, "always ask the gentleman first, he'll often pay!" Yeah, after you've made it hellishly awkward for everyone involved! No do not ask the gentleman first, not unless the gentleman is talking to you about your products! Do I look like some kind of delicate flower that needs the big strong boy to pay for my things? Jesus.
So anyway I love my brother and I fucking hate that when we go out people tend to overlook me, the person interested, and start talking cash with him. I was reaching for my goddamn purse! He wasn't even looking at you!
(no subject)
Dec. 20th, 2017 04:56 pmA fundamental problem with how many fans approach analysing games- not media around the game, but the game itself- is that they don't take into account that it's an interactive experience. Debating themes and story and character is great! But it would be nice if some fans could remember, it is a video game, an interactive medium, and you can't approach it just from a standpoint of writing or visuals. Well, I mean, you can. But it's something of a waste, in my opinion.
If you are analysing a game as a whole, you have to play it. Gameplay is a fundamental part of a game. There's a debate about how you can make games accessible to people who would have trouble playing them, whether that's alternate controls or modes or difficulties, but at the end of the day, if you'd like to get a full picture of the story and how it plays...You've got to play it. Gaming isn't a passive experience, not in the same way as television or a book. You have to have some impact, some agency in what's happening. The game can push you towards linearity, certainly, but you still make the choice to press on. The divide between avatar and character becomes very messy, sometimes.
Anyway, I bring this up because it rubs me the wrong way that I see a lot of meta completely ignoring how gameplay shapes character. Behaviours, sounds, response to commands- all of that comes under gameplay, and a lot of that can be used for information and characterisation.
I should really write a longer piece about this, but, essentially, if you're going to ask for more characterisation, please consider that it is a video game. You can use something other than text.
If you are analysing a game as a whole, you have to play it. Gameplay is a fundamental part of a game. There's a debate about how you can make games accessible to people who would have trouble playing them, whether that's alternate controls or modes or difficulties, but at the end of the day, if you'd like to get a full picture of the story and how it plays...You've got to play it. Gaming isn't a passive experience, not in the same way as television or a book. You have to have some impact, some agency in what's happening. The game can push you towards linearity, certainly, but you still make the choice to press on. The divide between avatar and character becomes very messy, sometimes.
Anyway, I bring this up because it rubs me the wrong way that I see a lot of meta completely ignoring how gameplay shapes character. Behaviours, sounds, response to commands- all of that comes under gameplay, and a lot of that can be used for information and characterisation.
I should really write a longer piece about this, but, essentially, if you're going to ask for more characterisation, please consider that it is a video game. You can use something other than text.
Research Throws Up Interesting Things
Dec. 5th, 2017 06:18 pm So I'm writing a fanfic about Bloodborne and feeling a bit...hmm.
It's part of the fic for the 'violence' prompt, because when I think violence I think From Soft, but in the course of researching stuff for the fic (mostly about common diseases of the time, sex and sexuality, changing medical treatments), I found some very...interesting ideas.
In the 1850s, there was an outbreak of Cholera that a man named John Snow (no, not that one) traced back to the Baker Street Pump. After taking samples of the water from the pump and showing that it had various microorganisms in it, he convinced the local government to remove the handle from the pump. This helped curb cholera in the area, though he was unable to convince the people of germ theory, though many eventually came around.
However, the reason they didn't want to believe John Snow was because fecal-oral transmission of disease was considered unpalpable to the public. And it's far from the first or last time something like that has happened with diseases- HIV/AIDS probably being one of the most infamous cases of "let's not talk about it".
And interestingly, in my country at least, one of the things that did help curb the spread of HIV was a very frank public health leaflet that went into details of how it spread. The leaflet was distributed across the country, even against outcry, because it didn't matter if people though sex was gross or icky- it was a public health crisis.
It just reminds me that there is never going to be a case where censoring topics related to 'icky' things is going to be a good idea. At best it makes people naive. At worst it helps actual danger, whether that's a bacterium in the water supply or a predator in the crowd hurt people.
It's part of the fic for the 'violence' prompt, because when I think violence I think From Soft, but in the course of researching stuff for the fic (mostly about common diseases of the time, sex and sexuality, changing medical treatments), I found some very...interesting ideas.
In the 1850s, there was an outbreak of Cholera that a man named John Snow (no, not that one) traced back to the Baker Street Pump. After taking samples of the water from the pump and showing that it had various microorganisms in it, he convinced the local government to remove the handle from the pump. This helped curb cholera in the area, though he was unable to convince the people of germ theory, though many eventually came around.
However, the reason they didn't want to believe John Snow was because fecal-oral transmission of disease was considered unpalpable to the public. And it's far from the first or last time something like that has happened with diseases- HIV/AIDS probably being one of the most infamous cases of "let's not talk about it".
And interestingly, in my country at least, one of the things that did help curb the spread of HIV was a very frank public health leaflet that went into details of how it spread. The leaflet was distributed across the country, even against outcry, because it didn't matter if people though sex was gross or icky- it was a public health crisis.
It just reminds me that there is never going to be a case where censoring topics related to 'icky' things is going to be a good idea. At best it makes people naive. At worst it helps actual danger, whether that's a bacterium in the water supply or a predator in the crowd hurt people.
Meguca Meduka Wrestling AU
Nov. 30th, 2017 07:54 pmMy friend and I are discussing the new best AU, which is, magical girls with all the magical girl drama, but it's a wrestling ring instead. Every witch's barrier is now a gimmicky pro-wrestling ring, and Kreimheld Gretchen is when Madoka's Fucking Pissed and decides to go HELL IN A CELL on everyone. Homura is a tech fighter and has absolutely brought a gun on stage. Sayaka tries to drop kick her. It doesn't work and they end up in one hell of a wrestling match. They're not even transformed, they're just having a fight now. Kyoko absolutely elbow-drops both of them.
Mami is watching from the side, this is not how she imagined her life going. Kyubey has all the energy he needs from the leigons of fans that come to watch. This is the best and most thought out au I've ever made.
Also Kyosuke does the soundtrack.
Mami is watching from the side, this is not how she imagined her life going. Kyubey has all the energy he needs from the leigons of fans that come to watch. This is the best and most thought out au I've ever made.
Also Kyosuke does the soundtrack.
Faint Artist Grumbling
Nov. 26th, 2017 03:44 pmI still can't believe there's a traditional vs digital art debate happening. Like, this is a real debate that has people getting heated and angry at each other because apparently they have nothing better to do in their daily lives. My friends, my pals, my buds....just...pet a dog. Eat an apple. Bask in the sunshine. There are better things to get worked up over.
Each medium has its own advantages and disadvantages...Doing lots of traditional art can help speed up your process by ensuring you start to spot mistakes before they happen, and you introduce an element of 'randomness', particularly when working with mediums like watercolour, as you can't be sure how they spread. You'll often learn to work with mistakes. Digital art can really speed up value studies, bigger pieces and sorting things out before they go wrong, especially if it's just something that needs to be moved rather than completely redrawing it. It's just...such a non-argument. They're both good. You can make art with both. You can fix mistakes in traditional (maybe takes more time but you can) or you can work with them in digital.
BUT, and this is a big but, blaming either medium for you not improving is...just...inane. It's worthless. The mediums can certainly help, like I much prefer digital value studies, but ultimately you can use different techniques and studies and drawing with...pretty much anything. You could improve with ketchup. Improvement is all on you. You'll find certain ways you like to work, and they'll often be influenced by your resources (whether that's space, time, health complaints ect.) but the fundamentals...you gotta build them up yourself. No ifs, ands or buts about it.
Each medium has its own advantages and disadvantages...Doing lots of traditional art can help speed up your process by ensuring you start to spot mistakes before they happen, and you introduce an element of 'randomness', particularly when working with mediums like watercolour, as you can't be sure how they spread. You'll often learn to work with mistakes. Digital art can really speed up value studies, bigger pieces and sorting things out before they go wrong, especially if it's just something that needs to be moved rather than completely redrawing it. It's just...such a non-argument. They're both good. You can make art with both. You can fix mistakes in traditional (maybe takes more time but you can) or you can work with them in digital.
BUT, and this is a big but, blaming either medium for you not improving is...just...inane. It's worthless. The mediums can certainly help, like I much prefer digital value studies, but ultimately you can use different techniques and studies and drawing with...pretty much anything. You could improve with ketchup. Improvement is all on you. You'll find certain ways you like to work, and they'll often be influenced by your resources (whether that's space, time, health complaints ect.) but the fundamentals...you gotta build them up yourself. No ifs, ands or buts about it.